Be a REAL Friend

In my life I've had several friendships go the way of the audio cassette and the dodo bird. An overarching theme is "friends" who were only interested in being friends in the loose sense of the word. They wanted to be friends in that friendship consisted of hanging out without any type of emotional connection or any real meaning. Deep topics were off limits and forbidden. Emotions were frowned upon. In other words, they wanted to be friends in the Summer-Sales-Tools kind of way.

The issue with this is how unfulfilling, how shallow, how unstable this type of friendship is. Friendship for me has been at times the only thing that has kept me going amongst the maelstroms of life. How can I have a friendship with someone who only wants to be there for the fun times and not the mundane, the difficult, the sad, the frustrating, etc?

I've been pondering a lot on this topic recently. I've come up with beatitudes (Thanks Gordon B. Hinckley) of what it means to be a REAL friend as opposed to superficial one:

Be Interested.

There's the misconception out there that you have to share all the same interests and beliefs with another in order to be their friend; not true. We are all individuals with our own interests and identities. If we all liked the same things and thought the same way, life would be really vanilla. Be willing to learn about one another's interests. Ask about them. Be excited about them.

Be Aware.

This is a big one. More often than not we become so self-absorbed in our own lives, we don't realize that there's others around us going through their own storms. We don't realize that we could be the answer or relief that another is looking for simply because we're not paying attention.

Be Supportive.

Real friends don't have to agree with each other's choices or decisions. It's not our job to pass judgement. It's our job to simply love and let them know that you're there for them unconditionally. This can translate to going to a Broadway musical even though you hate show tunes, attending a football game though you hate sports, or something a bit more complicated like supporting them in their wedding even if you can't tolerate whom they've chosen as a spouse.

Be a Safe Place.

Real friends should be able to be completely vulnerable, completely emotionally naked with each other. Fears, doubts, insecurities, secrets should be able to be expressed without judgement, without fear of others hearing about it.

Be Spontaneous.

Spontaneity doesn't have to mean a last minute road trip to Vegas. Being spontaneous could be going for milkshakes randomly on a week day or having a Lord of the Rings marathon on a Saturday. Spontaneity means stopping to smell the roses; it means enjoying life, no matter what you're doing but whom you're doing it with.

Be Thoughtful.

Friendship is a two-way street. One friend can't continuously give while the other continuously recieves. Being thoughtful entails saying your "please" and "thank you's". Being thoughtful entails wishing a friend well before a big test, eating ice cream and cookie dough together after a particularly difficult day. Being thoughtful is thinking of what you would do for yourself in a situation, and doing that for your friend.

Be Present.

Nothing irritates a parent more than trying to speak to their child and have their child be glued to a phone screen not really paying attention; the same translates to friendship. Unplug while you're spending time with someone. Besides being rude, it's extremely invalidating to feel like one's company isn't enough or appreciated. When a friend makes time in their day for you, you should to the same.

Be Loving.

Love is complicated topic no matter if it's platonic or romanticized. Really loving someone means that it is unconditional and not based off if you like them one particular day or not. It's caring so deeply for someone that you want what's best for them, regardless if it's something that they want you to do or not. And sometimes that means doing what's best for a friend out of love even when it can make them really upset with you. It doesn't always make you popular, but in the eternal scheme of things they will thank you.

"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." - John 15:13

Love,
D-Todd

“Lord, Save Me.”

As Christ’s disciples had set out on one of their frequent journeys across the Sea of Galilee, the night was dark and the elements were strong and contrary. The waves were boisterous and the wind was bold, and these mortal, frail men were frightened. Unfortunately there was no one with them to calm and save them, for Jesus had been left alone upon the shore.”

As always, he was watching over them. He loved them and cared for them. In their moment of greatest extremity they looked and saw in the darkness an image in a fluttering robe, walking toward them on the ridges of the sea. They cried out in terror at the sight, thinking that it was a phantom that walked upon the waves. And through the storm and darkness to them—as so often to us, when, amid the darknesses of life, the ocean seems so great and our little boats so small—there came the ultimate and reassuring voice of peace with this simple declaration, “It is I; be not afraid.” Peter exclaimed, “Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.” And Christ’s answer to him was the same as to all of us: “Come.”

Peter sprang over the vessel’s side and into the troubled waves, and while his eyes were fixed upon the Lord, the wind might toss his hair and the spray might drench his robes, but all was well. Only when with wavering faith he removed his glance from the Master to look at the furious waves and the black gulf beneath him, only then did he begin to sink. Again, like most of us, he cried, “Lord, save me.” Nor did Jesus fail him. He stretched out his hand and grasped the drowning disciple with the gentle rebuke, “O thou of little faith, why didst thou doubt?”

Then safely aboard their little craft, they saw the wind fall and the crash of the waves become a ripple. Soon they were at their haven, their safe port, where all would one day hope to be. The crew as well as his disciples were filled with deep amazement. Some of them addressed him by a title which I declare today: “Truly thou art the Son of God.” (Adapted from Farrar, The Life of Christ, pp. 310–13; see Matt. 14:22–33.)

Elder D. Todd Christofferson of the Quorum of the Twelve said in his talk Free Forever, to Act for Themselves:

"God does not save us 'just as we are,' first, because 'just as we are' we are unclean, and 'no unclean thing can dwell … in his presence; for, in the language of Adam, Man of Holiness is his name, and the name of his Only Begotten is the Son of Man [of Holiness].' And second, God will not act to make us something we do not choose by our actions to become. Truly He loves us, and because He loves us, He neither compels nor abandons us. Rather He helps and guides us. Indeed, the real manifestation of God’s love is His commandments."

God will not force us to do anything. Agency is so important to him, that he lost a third of his children over it.

Just as Peter, we begin our journey in this life with our eyes fixed toward Christ. And just as Peter, we progress on our journey across the waves of life and we find that our faith may waver. We doubt, we sink in our lack of faith, in our sins, in our mortality.

The Savior though always there for us, will not act upon us unless we choose to do so by our own agency. He offered himself up as a sacrifice so that the atonement could be utilized in all of our lives. It is up to us if we want to take advantage of that gift of the atonement, if we want to act upon our faith and call on our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ to save us. 

One of the most difficult things that I've experienced is seeing someone I love dearly lose sight of the Savior. The winds and waves of life have caused fear and doubt. They've lost their way and they're sinking. And because of their agency, I can't force them to grab my hand, or call out for the Savior to help them. Accepting that all I can do is love and pray for them is impossibly hard.

If anyone out there feels like there is not hope, no winning, no solution, zero optimism, or feel like you're too far gone, know that NONE of that is true. The Savior is waiting for you to call out his name so he can save you and draw you near to him. He loves you so much, and knows everything that you are experiencing. He knows your sins, heartache, sickness, and disappointments. He atoned for all of them and because of that THERE IS HOPE. 

The Prophet Joseph Smith said:

"All your losses will be made up to you in the resurrection, provided you continue faithful. By the vision of the Almighty I have seen it."

Love,

D-Todd

When Your Best Friend Divorces You

A handful of individuals are lucky enough to have the same best friend from the time they were born. They make it through the perilous adolescent years together and young adulthood. Then they're pretty much guaranteed to be the two old grandpas sitting on the porch in their rockers in Secondhand Lions. The rest of humanity experiences friendship in a less organic way, usually through work, school, or church. 

My family has spent the majority of my life moving around the United States. I've called three different places home over the last two years. Because of this, my interpersonal relationships/friendships have been developed in the less organic way. In my experience, said friendships are much more difficult to maintain and tend to fall apart as time goes on. Not that it's all been completely depressing, I had the rare (and surreal) experience of speaking to someone from midnight to five in the morning - who I had just met the same day. We connected instantly, and it felt like catching up with a friend you hadn't seen in forever.

But what happens if you lose them? We're all prepared to have some type of romantic relationship fail (excluding marriage). But when it comes to divorcing your best friend, your world as you know it falls apart.

It's unexpected.

A romantic relationship usually has a multitude of warning signs that things are coming to an end. Most people are able to spot the iceberg before it hits the Titanic and they jump ship. A friendship dissolved is as sudden and traumatic as a car accident. Everything was going fine and then suddenly all is wrong and turned upside down. What you once had is gone, and a lot of time there's not a real reason for it. 

It leaves you feeling vulnerable & exposed.

I do not know anyone who isn't married, who is as candid with their significant other as they are with their best friend. Best friends share everything, every beautiful, ugly, private, painful, wonderful thing. When that trust is ruined, that friendship dissolved, one can feel like they are suddenly and overwhelmingly transparent to the world.

There's no uplifting quote.

Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest are littered with uplifting quotes such as "There's plenty of other fish in the sea," "If you can't handle my worst...," etc. These are great and all for your average middle school girl attempting to get over her crush breaking her heart. But nothing is available for comfort when you lose your best friend; it just sucks.

Your constant is gone.

Life changes. College, marriage, careers, babies. Weight fluctuates, hair is lost. Everything around you may constantly be spinning, but your best friend was always there for you. When you have this... this best friend who knows literally anything and everything about you. You can do and say whatever in front of them and they hold no judgement. You share this way of speaking to each other without words. You can talk forever about nothing. You send snapchats of the ugliest face you can muster. You have entire conversations in movie quotes. Cuddling is always an option. You embrace their crazy, they embrace yours. 

There's no one there to help you get through it.

When you break up with someone, who is the first person you usually go to? Your best friend. They break open the ice cream with you, or plot out a Carrie Underwood style form of revenge. When you break up with your best friend, who do you go to?

Choose To Love

Life is about the choices we make. What and where we decide to dedicate our time. At the end of my mission, President Moldenhauer sat me down in his office for my exit interview. He counseled me to go home and move forward with my life, but to be sure not to settle for only good things. He explained that there are good things in our life that we dedicate our time to such as school and work. But then there are the best things such as temple attendance, home teaching, etc.

At this point in my life I am in a very selfish state. I'm on the precipice of graduating from college. All my time is spent focusing on me, what I need to accomplish, and where I want to go. I see it among many of my peers as well. We become so absorbed in our own lives and what we are doing, we forget about those around us. Our priorities are ourselves. 

Jesus Christ spent his entire mortal life being selfless. The King of Kings, the Lord of lords was born in a manger in a stable, not surrounded in a castle with unimaginable wealth. He taught and led by example. He served, he healed, he mourned, he comforted. His love was so great for his fellowman, he offered up himself and performed the atonement. He broke the bands of spiritual and physical death so that we as imperfect mortals could overcome the heartache of this terrestrial life. 

“A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another” (John 13:34-35).

We are instructed to love one another. It is a commandment. If we are his disciples we will love one another with charity - the pure love of Christ. 

How many people around us are going through something that we know nothing about? How many people are struggling with something and we don't know because we simply never asked because we were so caught up in our own life and priorities. 

Though are pursuits may be valid and worthwhile. We must notice those around us. We must do those things that allow people to know that they are important, that they as a person are worth it. 

I know that I've always been really perceptive of people (due to my highly sensitive personality). I can read people really well, even if I just met them. I would call it a gift of the spirit. I've known what its like to be alone and feel like I have no one who cares about me. I often contemplated if I died who would show up to my funeral. I've made it a point to let people who I'm friends with as well as my family members know that I care. I don't want anyone to ever feel alone, feel like they have no friends, or feel like they aren't loved. I will drop everything for someone if they need me to. I'm very proud of that fact. 

Mitch came over to my apartment on Sunday night and we had a good hour long conversation about friends while he helped me study for kinesiology. Mitch expressed to me that he has kept mostly to himself this semester because he's tired of being burned and taken advantage of by people. I completely agreed with his sentiment. I've found myself withdrawing from a lot of friends because I haven't felt like they cared about me. 

Last night Kate texted me and asked if she could come over. It was almost 9:00 o'clock and I wasn't anywhere near finished on my homework. I literally had a million things to do, but I said yes because I enjoy Kate's company and I needed a break. Kate came over and I played the piano for her first. (I just learned Say Something by A Great Big World). Kate wanted to know if she could ask me a question. I said yes, and we ended up talking about priorities and friendships for the next 20 minutes. 

Kate has someone that she really cares about in her life who is not treating her like a friend or even a decent human being. My advice: their actions demonstrate where their priorities are.

I write all this not to brag about myself but to demonstrate what I mean. Kate felt bad about taking studying time away from me but I told her not to worry about it. What I was doing was much more important, SHE was more important. Kate felt she could trust me and she felt comfortable enough to come over and speak to me about things she was dealing with. I was able to help her with her struggles, the spirit was felt, and our friendship became closer.

My point; Look outside yourself at those around you. You may be neglecting people in your life and not even realize it. Even if you don't have a lot of time, little things to let someone know that you care make all the difference in the world. Write a little message to them on Facebook. Like a picture. Drop off some ice cream at their apartment. Pick them up for a study break and go for a drive around town. Tell them that you love them just because. It makes all the difference in the world.

You never know what impact your simple words, or little actions may have on a person's life. Maybe you talked them off the ledge, away from a bottle, to put down the knife, or maybe something as simple as saving them from a night of crying in their room with the door shut, or sobbing in the bathroom with the shower on. 

Make people your priority, not things. The school work will end eventually. Don't let your relationships with people do the same. 

“A friendship can weather most things and thrive in thin soil; but it needs a little mulch of letters and phone calls and small, silly presents every so often - just to save it from drying out completely.” - Pam Brown

Love,

D-Todd