Running

Runaway Bride is a 1999 film starring Julia Roberts and Richard Gere. Maggie (Julia Roberts) has left so many prospective husbands at the altar that she has gained notoriety as "the Runaway Bride," and a reporter, Ike Graham (Richard Gere) is assigned to write a story about her. He tracks her down to a small town in Maryland where she's spending time with her family and preparing to give marriage another try. However, the more time she spends with Ike, the more second thoughts she has about her fiancé Bob.

In the midst of the wedding rehearsal, Bob tries to help Maggie deal with her wedding anxieties by walking her down the aisle with Ike standing in as the groom. After Bob gets her to the altar, Ike and Maggie share a passionate kiss and admit their feelings for one another, to Bob's chagrin. As a result, he punches Ike in the face before storming out of the church. Soon after, Ike proposes that he and Maggie get married since the wedding is already set to take place. But on the day of the wedding, Maggie gets cold feet, and leaves Ike standing at the altar. Ike chases after her but she hitches a ride on a FedEx truck and gets away.

Later, we see Ike living in New York and Maggie trying to discover herself, trying different types of eggs, and putting her lighting designs up for sale in New York. She shows up unexpectedly at Ike's apartment one night where he finds her making friends with his cat, Italics. Maggie then explains that she had been running because every other guy she was engaged to was only engaged to the idea she had created for them rather than the real her, but with Ike she ran because, even though he truly understood her, she didn't understand herself. She "turns in" her running shoes just before proposing to Ike. The two are married in a private ceremony outside, on a hill, avoiding the big ceremonies that Maggie notes she never actually liked.

It's time for me to hang up my metaphorical running shoes. It's time to stop running and confront myself, and truly understand myself. 

For a long time now I've been running from certain things in my life because I was afraid. I was afraid of judgement, I was afraid of getting into trouble, I was afraid of admitting things to myself.

When you run from something, you don't pay much attention to where you are going. You just know that you want to get as far away as fast as you can. You fall in mud, scrape yourself up, you're clumsy and leave tracks behind so that whatever is following you will eventually catch up with you. 

In Mormon 5:8 it states: "All things which are hid must be revealed upon the house-tops.”

Past choices in my life have surfaced today in a way that I would describe as my own personal Calvary. It's been very much a "Friday."

I don't know what lies ahead of me, but I do know that I must be an adult. I'm not proud of my actions. I'm embarrassed and ashamed to say the least. I've spent a large part of today ugly crying. My head hurts so bad. BUT, I must accept the consequences of my actions with my head held high. 

Paul taught that “godly sorrow” is required if true repentance is to take place (2 Corinthians 7:10).

President Ezra Taft Benson said“It is not uncommon to find men and women in the world who feel remorse for the things they do wrong. Sometimes this is because their actions cause them or loved ones great sorrow and misery. Sometimes their sorrow is caused because they are caught and punished for their actions. Such worldly feelings do not constitute ‘godly sorrow’ (2 Corinthians 7:10). Godly sorrow is a gift of the Spirit. It is a deep realization that our actions have offended our Father and our God. It is the sharp and keen awareness that our behavior caused the Savior, He who knew no sin, even the greatest of all, to endure agony and suffering. Our sins caused Him to bleed at every pore. This very real mental and spiritual anguish is what the scriptures refer to as having ‘a broken heart and contrite spirit’ (D&C 20:37). Such a spirit is the absolute prerequisite for true repentance.”

I honestly don't know why I'm writing this publicly on my blog. More than anything I guess I want people to know that I'm not perfect, I'm human, and I struggle with so many things. I hope that someone is able to glean something from this and it is able to help them. 

"My past has not defined me, destroyed me, deterred me, or defeated me. It has only strengthened me." - Steve Maraboli

To anyone out there experiencing their own struggles and demons, I can testify to you that my Sunday morning will come, and so will yours.

Love,

D-Todd