Friday, September 5, 2014

What Do YOU Want?

"'So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever and ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I could do it again, if I thought it was what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out.'

'What easy way out? There is no easy way out. No matter what I do, somebody gets hurt.'

'Would you stop thinking about what everyone wants? Stop thinking about what I want, what he wants, what your parents want. What do YOU want? What do you WANT?'

'It's not that simple.'

' What do you want?'

'I have to go now.'"

Thanks to fairytale popular culture and stupid movies about vampires, relationship expectations wether they be romantic or platonic have been skewed and idealized to something that is merely a fantasy.

There's this false idea that if someone really loves and cares about you they will know what you want and what you need. No reminders needed, and of course one shouldn't have to!

I've been so completely guilty of this train of thought. I expect those I love to know what I want and need and to be able to just do it. Then when they fail to meet my expectations feelings get hurt and people are pushed apart.

How in the world is someone else supposed to know exactly what you want and need unless you tell them? They're not psychic. They can't read minds. They may love you, but they don't spend all day sitting around trying to figure out what's going on with you.

People are different. Our ideas of what we want to/should do vary. We all have different love languages. Our loved ones all come from totally different background that is the norm for them and they may generally think everyone else does it the same as their norm, so you have to spell out your norm.

It is necessary for one to be vocal with those you love. You have to say something or you're going to tell yourself a lot of stories and get your feelings hurt unnecessarily a lot.

There are a MILLION ways to get your feelings hurt. Which is better? Hoping for a perfect surprise and feeling deeply hurt because people have their own lives and thoughts and forgot to their psychic about your uncommunicative expectations, or just telling them what you want and getting it?

It's always better to speak your needs and wants and have them met than to tell yourself stories about how people know what you want but they don't care, cause that ain't true.

Saying things (while making sure not to be whiny) like:

"It means a lot to me to get texts when you're thinking of me just to know I'm important to you even when I'm out of sight. It just makes me feel good."

"Call me if you plan something even on weekdays. I can't always go, but I feel left out if I don't get invited."

"Even if I can't go, if you tell me what people are doing, I still feel included in our group of friends."

Etc. Etc.

I want to commit myself to being a genuine and transparent person with those I love and what my needs are. If there's anyone out there who actually reads this blog, I challenge you to do the same. I do believe it will spare us all so much heartache and hurt feelings.

“Be the one who nurtures and builds. Be the one who has an understanding and a forgiving heart one who looks for the best in people. Leave people better than you found them.” 
                                                                                                        ― Marvin J. Ashton