Why I'll Always Answer The Phone

I've had an interesting week to say the least. Without going into details, I've gone from feeling sorry for myself, to completely hating myself, to re-learning to forget myself. Let me explain:

I made the decision long ago to go into healthcare because of my fascination with the human body, the draw of a comfortable income, and more so the opportunity to care for others, to give all I have to heal and better their lives.

I've been experiencing some very difficult things personally, mentally, and spiritually. That makes me no different than anyone else, we all experience the thorns of life. But for one reason or another, I've felt that my thorns have been bigger, worse, more difficult than everyone else's. It's caused me to make foolish decisions, as well as hurt those I'm closest to. 

I haven't been behaving like an aspiring caregiver in the least. I've been behaving like a child, a very selfish child. I know for myself, when I'm feeling selfish, I tend to ignore contact from those who I'm closest to because I'm angry and want them to know that and feel bad about it. I'm sure all of us do that to some degree or another, focus on ourself and our problems and end up ignoring or dismissing those around us.

I received a call tonight from a friend, a friend that doesn't regularly call me. This friend trusted me and counted on me to answer that phone. This friend needed my help and care, and by simply answering the phone (in turn forgetting about myself and my problems) very well may have saved this friend's life. I've dedicated the rest of my night to being with this friend and getting them the help they need. My doctor instincts took over and went on autopilot. Like my mission, I forgot myself and went to work. I felt more happiness, more satisfaction, more peace in talking to and seeking the appropriate care for my friend than I've had in the last couple of weeks feeling sorry for myself.

How often could I have looked outside myself, answered that phone call even if it's not convenient for me or I'm not feeling up to it? How many times have I missed someone who needed my help because I was so focused inwardly on my problems?

Life is gonna be hard, and difficult times are guaranteed to come. But if I've learned anything tonight, it's that forgetting myself in my times of hardship and turning to others brings happiness and comfort that can't be found mourning in my own trials.

Please to anyone who reads this, if you need help, ask for it. Ask from someone you trust. You can even talk to me. You're not alone.

Love,

D-Todd

In Defense of Caitlyn Jenner: A Mormon Perspective

Ever since the debut of Caitlyn (formerly Bruce) Jenner's Vanity Fair cover I have seen mixed reactions in my social (media) life. There are those commending her for her courage and congratulating her. There are others doing quite the opposite, almost vehemently attacking her.

I have given a lot of thought on whether or not to write a blog post on such a political and religious hot topic. The increasing number of hurtful and ignorant posts written by many members of my own faith has caused me to carefully ponder and compose my thoughts in a way for people to love a little more, judge a little less.

I'll be the first to say that I don't understand the mental process or emotions that Caitlyn (I'm referring to Jenner by female pronouns per her request in the media) has experienced throughout her life. I don't understand it medically. From the gospel side of things-per The Family: A Proclamation to the World; I don't understand. It's not something that I can relate to, and obviously I wouldn't unless it was something I was experiencing as well.

I write not to condone or condemn Jenner's choice to fully transition from a man into a woman. I am here simply to defend her ability to choose. The same ability that we are all given as children of God here on this earth. You may not understand Jenner's decision, you may not agree with her decision. It may make you angry that the media is sensationalizing her story. But none of these things give clemency to ignorance, hate, or cruelty.

Elder Uchtdorf addressed this perfectly:

"This topic of judging others could actually be taught in a two-word sermon. When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following:

"Stop it!

"It’s that simple. We simply have to stop judging others and replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and His children. God is our Father. We are His children. We are all brothers and sisters. I don’t know exactly how to articulate this point of not judging others with sufficient eloquence, passion, and persuasion to make it stick. I can quote scripture, I can try to expound doctrine, and I will even quote a bumper sticker I recently saw. It was attached to the back of a car whose driver appeared to be a little rough around the edges, but the words on the sticker taught an insightful lesson. It read, “Don’t judge me because I sin differently than you.”

"We must recognize that we are all imperfect—that we are beggars before God. Haven’t we all, at one time or another, meekly approached the mercy seat and pleaded for grace? Haven’t we wished with all the energy of our souls for mercy—to be forgiven for the mistakes we have made and the sins we have committed?

"Because we all depend on the mercy of God, how can we deny to others any measure of the grace we so desperately desire for ourselves? My beloved brothers and sisters, should we not forgive as we wish to be forgiven?"

Jenner was 10 when she started dressing in women’s clothing. She was “fascinated by it all” but felt “scared to death somebody was going to find out.” Caitlyn kept that secret from everyone save for those who discovered accidentally. She finally told her whole family and the world at the age of 65. I mention this purely to ask those who read this and reflect; How many people do you know that may struggle with this and have not told a soul? How do you think the thoughtless and harsh words being said make them feel?

The greatest people I know are able to have different thoughts and opinions... but for a time and place. They respond to something and someone different that they may disagree with in love, just as the Savior would.

Think before you speak (or type). Love before you judge.

Love,
D-Todd

Why Seek Ye The Living Among The Dead?

Working in the emergency room lends you to seeing miracles on a daily basis. Advances of modern medicine have inabled healthcare workers to save lives more than ever. Patients have literally been brought back to life before my eyes after their heart has stopped.

However, it's called practicing medicine for a reason; patients are still lost and death is still very much a part of what I do.

This Easter morning I was reminded of the limits of my career field as a life was so needlessly and tragically lost. A family completely blindsided by the loss of one they love, the sorrow they must feel! The inconsolable grief that must fill their hearts!

"At the beginning of His ministry, Jesus took a text from Isaiah: 'The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound' (Isaiah 61:1; see also Luke 4:18)—a clear pronouncement of a divine plan to rescue the sons and daughters of God.

"But Jesus’s preaching in Galilee had been merely prelude. The Son of Man had always had a dread rendezvous to keep on a hill called Golgotha.

"Arrested in the Garden of Gethsemane after the Last Supper, deserted by His disciples, spat upon, tried, and humiliated, Jesus staggered under His great cross toward Calvary. He progressed from triumph to betrayal, torture, and death on the cross.

"In the words of the song The Holy City:

The scene was changed. …

The morn was cold and chill,
As the shadow of a cross arose
Upon a lonely hill.

"For us our Heavenly Father gave His Son. For us our Elder Brother gave His life.

"At the last moment the Master could have turned back. But He did not. He passed beneath all things that He might save all things: the human race, the earth, and all the life that ever inhabited it.

"No words in Christendom mean more to me than those spoken by the angel to the weeping Mary Magdalene and the other Mary as they approached the tomb to care for the body of their Lord: “Why seek ye the living among the dead? He is not here, but is risen” (Luke 24:5–6).

"With this pronouncement, those who have lived and died, those who now live and one day will die, and those yet to be born and yet to die had just been rescued.

"As the result of Christ’s victory over the grave, we shall all be resurrected. This is the redemption of the soul. Paul wrote:

'There are … celestial bodies, and bodies terrestrial: but the glory of the celestial is one, and the glory of the terrestrial is another.

'There is one glory of the sun, and another glory of the moon, and another glory of the stars: for one star differeth from another star in glory.

'So also is the resurrection of the dead' (1 Corinthians 15:40–42).

"It is the celestial glory that we seek. It is in the presence of God that we desire to dwell. It is a forever family in which we want membership.

"Of Him who delivered each of us from endless death, I testify He is a teacher of truth—but He is more than a teacher. He is the exemplar of the perfect life—but He is more than an exemplar. He is the great physician—but He is more than a physician. He is the literal Savior of the world, the Son of God, the Prince of Peace, the Holy One of Israel, even the risen Lord, who declared, 'I am the first and the last; I am he who liveth, I am he who was slain; I am your advocate with the Father' (D&C 110:4)." (Thomas S. Monson, He Is Not Here, but is Risen, Ensign April 2011)

It was unthinkable, impossible, unfathomable, unprecedented. A single act that changed history, possibility, destiny. He was a carpenter, a teacher, an outcast, a leader. Yet he did what no carpenter, teacher, outcast, leader had ever done. Like all who preceded him, he lived, and he died. But unlike all who preceded him, he rose from the dead, he lived again. He lives and because he lives, you, you, and you, and she, and he, and they, and we all will live again. Because of him death has no sting, the grave no victory. We can start again, and again, and again. Because of him, guilt becomes peace, regret becomes relief, despair becomes hope. Because of him, we have second chances, clean slates, new beginnings. There is no such thing as the end because of him.

Happy Easter!

Love,
D-Todd

“Lord, Save Me.”

As Christ’s disciples had set out on one of their frequent journeys across the Sea of Galilee, the night was dark and the elements were strong and contrary. The waves were boisterous and the wind was bold, and these mortal, frail men were frightened. Unfortunately there was no one with them to calm and save them, for Jesus had been left alone upon the shore.”

As always, he was watching over them. He loved them and cared for them. In their moment of greatest extremity they looked and saw in the darkness an image in a fluttering robe, walking toward them on the ridges of the sea. They cried out in terror at the sight, thinking that it was a phantom that walked upon the waves. And through the storm and darkness to them—as so often to us, when, amid the darknesses of life, the ocean seems so great and our little boats so small—there came the ultimate and reassuring voice of peace with this simple declaration, “It is I; be not afraid.” Peter exclaimed, “Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.” And Christ’s answer to him was the same as to all of us: “Come.”

Peter sprang over the vessel’s side and into the troubled waves, and while his eyes were fixed upon the Lord, the wind might toss his hair and the spray might drench his robes, but all was well. Only when with wavering faith he removed his glance from the Master to look at the furious waves and the black gulf beneath him, only then did he begin to sink. Again, like most of us, he cried, “Lord, save me.” Nor did Jesus fail him. He stretched out his hand and grasped the drowning disciple with the gentle rebuke, “O thou of little faith, why didst thou doubt?”

Then safely aboard their little craft, they saw the wind fall and the crash of the waves become a ripple. Soon they were at their haven, their safe port, where all would one day hope to be. The crew as well as his disciples were filled with deep amazement. Some of them addressed him by a title which I declare today: “Truly thou art the Son of God.” (Adapted from Farrar, The Life of Christ, pp. 310–13; see Matt. 14:22–33.)

Elder D. Todd Christofferson of the Quorum of the Twelve said in his talk Free Forever, to Act for Themselves:

"God does not save us 'just as we are,' first, because 'just as we are' we are unclean, and 'no unclean thing can dwell … in his presence; for, in the language of Adam, Man of Holiness is his name, and the name of his Only Begotten is the Son of Man [of Holiness].' And second, God will not act to make us something we do not choose by our actions to become. Truly He loves us, and because He loves us, He neither compels nor abandons us. Rather He helps and guides us. Indeed, the real manifestation of God’s love is His commandments."

God will not force us to do anything. Agency is so important to him, that he lost a third of his children over it.

Just as Peter, we begin our journey in this life with our eyes fixed toward Christ. And just as Peter, we progress on our journey across the waves of life and we find that our faith may waver. We doubt, we sink in our lack of faith, in our sins, in our mortality.

The Savior though always there for us, will not act upon us unless we choose to do so by our own agency. He offered himself up as a sacrifice so that the atonement could be utilized in all of our lives. It is up to us if we want to take advantage of that gift of the atonement, if we want to act upon our faith and call on our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ to save us. 

One of the most difficult things that I've experienced is seeing someone I love dearly lose sight of the Savior. The winds and waves of life have caused fear and doubt. They've lost their way and they're sinking. And because of their agency, I can't force them to grab my hand, or call out for the Savior to help them. Accepting that all I can do is love and pray for them is impossibly hard.

If anyone out there feels like there is not hope, no winning, no solution, zero optimism, or feel like you're too far gone, know that NONE of that is true. The Savior is waiting for you to call out his name so he can save you and draw you near to him. He loves you so much, and knows everything that you are experiencing. He knows your sins, heartache, sickness, and disappointments. He atoned for all of them and because of that THERE IS HOPE. 

The Prophet Joseph Smith said:

"All your losses will be made up to you in the resurrection, provided you continue faithful. By the vision of the Almighty I have seen it."

Love,

D-Todd

I Feel So (Un)Pretty

I woke up early this morning and felt the left side of my nose and started crying. I had extensive reconstructive surgery on the inside of my nose and sinus' yesterday afternoon to fix parts of my nasal cartilage that had structurally collapsed and were causing me several health issues. The surgery naturally had caused one side of my nose to be swollen and unsymmetrical from the other.

My nose is something that I'm already super insecure about due to life long bullying from my peers (all of whom I can still tell you their names and what names they called me; fatty, ugly, big nose) starting in junior high and all the way up to college.

I cried to my parents telling them if my nose doesn't heal normally, then I have to get plastic surgery. My nose is already hideous to me when it's symmetrical, the thought of it being deformed is unbearable.

For me, the nose is just the tip of the iceberg. I've dealt with severe body image issues since I was 12 years old. My brother was diagnosed with bipolar disorder back in 2000. At the time, there wasn't much conversation going on medically about mental illness. My parents freaked out and sought treatment for me as well, not fully understanding how mental illness works. I was put on the same medication my brother was on and I gained 50 lb. as a side effect of the medicine. I am NOT bipolar we quickly found out, and as a result of being on medication I didn't need, it caused a spike in depression and irritability.

I battled weight issues through middle school up to my sophomore year of high school. I endured bullying from not only classmates, but my own siblings at times. I developed a very negative perception of myself and had a very distorted view of what I looked like.

I began a crazy crash diet/work out routine and dropped close to 40 lb. within a month. I would be on the treadmill or elliptical for an hour and a half a day burning at least 1,500 calories. I was anorexic and bulimic. It became an obsession that it took help from friends and family to overcome, and even now I struggle with extreme insecurities and body image issues because of it.

An interview I did a while back on my struggles with being a guy who suffered from an eating disorder:

http://www.localnews8.com/news/Eating-disorders-affect-25-million-people/19080682

In addition to my insecurities with my weight and my nose, I struggle with the way I look.

The first time I was ever told I was attractive or good looking by someone that wasn't related to me or an old lady in the ward congregation was by my first girlfriend at 18 years old. She told me and I literally thought she was messing with me because I didn't see how anyone could find me appealing or attractive at all. I've always felt like and been the nice guy that finished last. Never the "crushee" or "boyfriend", always the "great friend" or "crusher."

My insecurities have seemingly gotten worse lately and I literally have imaginary lines drawn all over my face with notes on what I would want to do to change and improve my looks such as orbital reshaping, ears pinned back, nose job, cheek revision, chin sculpting.

I can't tell you how many times I've been told that "David you're such a great guy, I'm just not attracted to you." There are things you get used to, and that is definitely not one of them. I've had my heart broken and stepped on so many times because it's been alluded to that I wasn't an option to someone because I wasn't better looking. It's the worse feeling in the world and just makes you want to climb into a hole and die.

I write this not to seek attention or obtain sympathy, but to raise awareness. Everyone has feelings and insecurities, guys included. Not only that, but viewing someone as unattractive or ugly does not take away their feelings or the fact that they are a human being. It hurts no matter who says it and where it's coming from.

Watch your words, you never know how damaging and hurtful they really are, even if you think someone is strong enough for them.

Love,

D-Todd

What No One Tells You About Being Mormon And Single At 25

I graduated from BYU-I back in April. I turned 25 in August. 25. I'm now five years from 30. When the crap did I get so old?

To the outside world, 25 is fairly young. You're normal if you're not yet married. It's not a big deal.

In Mormon culture, it's a much different story. My parents married at 20 and by the time they were my age, they had two kids and a third on the way. I don't even have a dog.

BYU-I is a Church school notorious for short engagements and quick marriages. Everyone jumps on the marriage train even if they barely know someone. There's a reason its unofficial name is BYU-I-Do and most common major for women is a MRS degree.

To say the least, my accomplishment of graduating without marrying someone (yet alone steadily dating one person) is fairly impressive.

I was prepared to not marry at school. My major being what it was and my tendency to avoid any girl who couldn't form a coherent sentence without speaking at a tone that cause dogs to howl or using like as every other word; it was bound to happen.

I was prepared to move to Texas and start my new life.

I was prepared for new people and new experiences. 

What was I not prepared for? The loneliness.

The nice thing about being married is that you this person stuck with you all the time. They're home when you come home at the end of the day. They're there to drive you crazy, to hold you when you cry, or to chase you around the house with a water gun.

I didn't realize how alone I felt until moving back to Texas. Friends at school who had gotten married forget about you all together because they have their own lives and families to provide for. Single friends, unless you live by them, sadly tend to forget about you. I've never felt so alone as times when I've gone days without having a non-school-or-work related conversation with someone who was not part of my family.

Then there's the whole intimacy part of it. I'm 25, so of course there's sex. But it's so much more than that, it's the idea of being mentally, emotionally, spiritually AND physically close to someone. Humans are meant to physically touch each other, and I'm not talking about sexually here. I'm talking about hugs, sitting close to each other, and cuddling on the couch. The human fetus spends on average nine months in the warmth of it's mother's womb, feeling the comfort of her heartbeat and voice. Then for the first crucial years of life, babies are held constantly. There's a reason the fetal position is called the fetal position, it's our natural subconscious position of comfort. 

I've found myself over the last 6 months aching for connection. My body and heart literally aching to be close to someone, to feel safe, to feel loved, to feel peace.

It has become so frustrating and disconcerting to me that I'm so alone. I crave that companionship that so many others have. There are literally no foreseeable potentials here for me which makes it that much harder. Then you add in the continuous message from Church culture to get married, and see everyone who is happy and married... Sometimes it just gets to you. Sometimes it's just too much.

In the Church you're taught since you exit the womb that you're going to go to BYU and get married and then you'll have 12 kids together (never ever ever ever, like ever) and live happily ever after. What you're not taught, is what to do when you don't fit the mold. When you enter uncharted territory and there's no set sunday school answer to rely on.

I was baptized, I earned my Eagle Scout award, I received both priesthoods, I went to the temple, I served a mission, I went to BYU, why am I not married yet? What did I do wrong? What's wrong with me? Where's my happiness? Why can't I have someone? Why do I have to be alone?

I've struggled with depression and doubt. I've struggled with anger and sadness. I've been angry at God and more than once found myself shaking my fist at the heavens. I've cried more tears than I knew to be humanly possible.

I came home at the end of a bad day-not that terrible, but a day where you feel like it's the straw that broke the camel's back or I'm-going-to-eat-an-entire-gallon-of-ice-cream; and I was in tears. I was exhausted and hopeless. I messaged my friend Danielle and voiced my troubles. She listened like the champ she is, and then offered me these sincere pearls of wisdom:

"She's out there. And she's probably looking in the mirror on nights like tonight wondering where you are and thinking, 'He's missing it. He's missing my life. Where is he?' I thought that for years. She's out there David, I know she is. Can't you feel it? I could. When I was quiet, I knew there was someone--I just didn't know who or where or when. 

"I think love and marriage and sexual satisfaction in that relationship have much more to do with true charity, the bond you have with another human, and the connection of your two souls than other non-important superficial things. She's out there doing her thing wishing she could share her life with you already. I mean, hey, maybe she's not a member and the Lord is working with her, bringing her slowly to that point so that she will someday embrace the gospel and you and think, 'What did I ever see in Maggie Gyllenhaal's geeky brother?' It could happen.

"In all seriousness, though, when you're really still and listen, don't you feel that the Lord's plan for you includes a wife and children? I can totally see that for you. I see you totally happy in the future with new stresses and worries but this time with a wife and kids. And seriously David, med school and residency suck for you and your wife. I've watched it firsthand with two siblings and many friends. The least you can do is spare your wife undergrad and prereqs. So just focus on you and getting through this phase and think of it as consecration, 'I'm doing this for you, honey, so that you don't have to carry this stress with me, so that when we meet and start having children, there will be that fewer years that my children will have to have a daddy (and possibly a mommy) who work all the time to get us to a better, more stable future."

Danielle's words resonated within my heart. To my mind came promises of marriage and children included in my patriarchal blessing. I again shed tears, but this time they were tears of joy. The spirit reminded me and comforted me of things I needed to remember.

I don't believe Heavenly Father wants me to be alone-in fact I know he doesn't. He wants my happiness but he knows what will make me most happy even if I don't. 

I don't believe that we all fit into one mold or timeline of when we're supposed to get married or reach certain expectations by a certain age even if culture norms dictate otherwise. We are all different and we are supposed to be. 

In no way, shape, or form has my chronic #foreveralone-ness been cured. I still don't really have any prospects, and I still get down and out a lot about it. But I have been promised-promised by a perfect Heavenly Father that if I hold up my end of things, he will hold up his end which includes a wife and children. It will happen.

Love,

D-Todd

When Your Best Friend Divorces You

A handful of individuals are lucky enough to have the same best friend from the time they were born. They make it through the perilous adolescent years together and young adulthood. Then they're pretty much guaranteed to be the two old grandpas sitting on the porch in their rockers in Secondhand Lions. The rest of humanity experiences friendship in a less organic way, usually through work, school, or church. 

My family has spent the majority of my life moving around the United States. I've called three different places home over the last two years. Because of this, my interpersonal relationships/friendships have been developed in the less organic way. In my experience, said friendships are much more difficult to maintain and tend to fall apart as time goes on. Not that it's all been completely depressing, I had the rare (and surreal) experience of speaking to someone from midnight to five in the morning - who I had just met the same day. We connected instantly, and it felt like catching up with a friend you hadn't seen in forever.

But what happens if you lose them? We're all prepared to have some type of romantic relationship fail (excluding marriage). But when it comes to divorcing your best friend, your world as you know it falls apart.

It's unexpected.

A romantic relationship usually has a multitude of warning signs that things are coming to an end. Most people are able to spot the iceberg before it hits the Titanic and they jump ship. A friendship dissolved is as sudden and traumatic as a car accident. Everything was going fine and then suddenly all is wrong and turned upside down. What you once had is gone, and a lot of time there's not a real reason for it. 

It leaves you feeling vulnerable & exposed.

I do not know anyone who isn't married, who is as candid with their significant other as they are with their best friend. Best friends share everything, every beautiful, ugly, private, painful, wonderful thing. When that trust is ruined, that friendship dissolved, one can feel like they are suddenly and overwhelmingly transparent to the world.

There's no uplifting quote.

Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest are littered with uplifting quotes such as "There's plenty of other fish in the sea," "If you can't handle my worst...," etc. These are great and all for your average middle school girl attempting to get over her crush breaking her heart. But nothing is available for comfort when you lose your best friend; it just sucks.

Your constant is gone.

Life changes. College, marriage, careers, babies. Weight fluctuates, hair is lost. Everything around you may constantly be spinning, but your best friend was always there for you. When you have this... this best friend who knows literally anything and everything about you. You can do and say whatever in front of them and they hold no judgement. You share this way of speaking to each other without words. You can talk forever about nothing. You send snapchats of the ugliest face you can muster. You have entire conversations in movie quotes. Cuddling is always an option. You embrace their crazy, they embrace yours. 

There's no one there to help you get through it.

When you break up with someone, who is the first person you usually go to? Your best friend. They break open the ice cream with you, or plot out a Carrie Underwood style form of revenge. When you break up with your best friend, who do you go to?